I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
