dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
