I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
