I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
