He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
