I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
