At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
