i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
