There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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