i already hear my dad disowning me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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