My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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