Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
