I'm so fucking centered right now
We're like a lot better than the average bears
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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