o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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