Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
