I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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