Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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