I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
