i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
