how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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