Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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