I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
