Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
