how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
