Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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