Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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