I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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