You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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