stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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