My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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