Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
