i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if only i could text you this smell
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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