My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Randomize
