How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
