i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
