what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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