I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
