When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
