i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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