he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
