it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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