Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
