So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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