two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
