im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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