Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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