Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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