If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
