Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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