Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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