My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
