her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
