This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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