I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
